It’s the holiday season and I have a lot to be thankful for. And, for the most part, I am. I’m very lucky to have health insurance; that my household has a source of income; and especially that prayers about my breast cancer have thus far been answered.
So why do I feel so depressed? I think that I’m feeling a bit abandoned. I know that most of the people who are closest to me are there for me, but there are many times during the day when I just feel completely and utterly alone. I know that God blessed me when I was told that I wouldn’t need chemotherapy, but since I’ve been doing so well, I think people just assume I’m OK. Would more people be there for me if I had needed chemo?
Right now, strangers on the street would not know that I had been through major cancer surgery scarcely two months ago. I look healthy enough, but am I? I try never to think about the possibility of a recurrence, but I do. I don’t want to die and I don’t want to be sick ever again.
I also know that there are things that I should be doing to help me get and stay healthy, but I’m not doing them. I haven’t changed my diet or lifestyle, at least not yet. I keep telling myself that I will after the New Year, but will I really follow through? There are some stressful things in my life which are out of my control at the moment, but I should at least eat well and exercise, right? I wonder how many women struggle with this. We know what we need to do, but we just can’t get around to doing it. Could the prognosis be worse for couch potatoes than for health conscience individuals? Can feeling depressed and guilty about my lifestyle contribute to a recurrence? These are things I’m struggling with.
I’m also worrying about whether or not I’m a good metabolizer of tamoxifen. From what I’ve read, if you’re not, the drug isn’t very effective. Unfortunately, there aren’t many alternatives to tamoxifen if you’re premenopausal and a poor metabolizer. I’ll have to discuss this with my oncologist.
Also plaguing me this week, are my 10-year-old daughter’s school and behavioral issues. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great child, but issues come up. I find that when I handle these issues and resolve them, I feel more in control of my life. There are times, though, when I worry about who would handle them if I wasn’t here. Hopefully that will never happen. I intend on being around for a long time, God willing.
Sorry if I sound a bit down. It must be the time of year. I wish all of you who are reading this a very happy and healthy holiday season. I hope to soon share with you what I learn about my metabolizing tamoxifen. Until then, keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Being diagnosed with breast cancer can provoke a vast array of feelings both positive and negative. It can be very confusing. These feelings can happen at any time during diagnosis, treatment, or even post treatment. Most people don’t ask you, the patient, how you’re truly feeling because they don’t know how to respond. Also, they may be afraid of saying the wrong thing or possibly being insensitive. Some friends or family may even feel that addressing any aspect of the cancer will remind you that you have this diagnosis, so they avoid the topic. It’s important for you, the patient, to build the confidence to voice your concerns. It’s an important time to focus more on you rather than others. It’s also very natural to feel down around the holidays. Holidays are “supposed to be great” and that can be overwhelming or an added pressure to not feel this way. Remember, you’re new at this, so don’t create expectations. Do as you can, when you can.
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